I wanna bring you to show and tell
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
