there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
