Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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