I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
