I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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