you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
