Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I love having hate sex.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
