the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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