My pussy is not your playground.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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