she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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