How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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