Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
