Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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