So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
