I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
