my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize