Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Is Oprah even human
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
