friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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