I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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