got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
