I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I still have a little drunk in my system
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
