I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
