I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hippo gnu deer
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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