I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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