Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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