I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
