Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
