you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
