Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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