this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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