Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
