I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Congratulations! We have a period
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