I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
