I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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