HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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