I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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