Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
