i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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