i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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