The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
