I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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