you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
