I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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