wat bout pragnant strippers??
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
