i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
