im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
