My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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