can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
