After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
