I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
