i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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