Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
