Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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