I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
