I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
