Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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