I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
