I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
as a side note pls kill me
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