it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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