I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
