i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
